Mood: Reflection, as a Mirror
Today is a lot of sitting. And reading.
I've been reading for twelve hours straight now. Stupid History. I should have made more headway last weekend, but I spent too much time screwing around. Oh well, that's what I do, isn't it?
I realize that life is rather tragic. My friend Chris used to accuse me of being almost paranoid, that some malignant thing was out to get me. I don't think something is out to get me at all; quite the opposite in fact. I simply think that no one cares. Or, if they do care, they don't care enough to be active. It's a very laissez-faire type of situation people have with me.
Am I expected to fix everyone else's problems and have no help on my own?
Probably.
I think I'm an insomniac. It takes me forever to go to sleep. But, again, that's just what happens to me. In the past couple of weeks, I have not been able to go to sleep in under an hour after going to bed. I figure there is something I should do about this, but I'm not sure what there really is I -can- do. I don't want to start chugging Nyquil before bed or anything. I'm sure no good would come of that. So I just go about this problem the same way I go about all my other problems: I suffer through and onwards. Eventually the problem will be worked out, and I shall struggle through to that end, and in time, hopefully all will be well.
"Click click bloody click pancakes!" - Stewart Griffin ~ Family Guy
Thursday, January 27, 2005
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Mood: I am One Acquainted With the Night
I feel a little guilty about not updating recently. I haven't had time ... and when I did have time, I just ... didn't feel up to it. I feel tired and ... thoughtful, but not necessarily in a positive way.
I think that I'm supposed to have several major revelations right now in my life. I mean ... shouldn't I learn a lot from what I'm going through?
People keep telling me that I learned how to love, but I didn't. I already knew. It's not complicated, it's not hard, it's not difficult. It comes naturally. Love is natural to the human heart. Acting on love is natural to the human heart. Humans don't need to learn how to love. They simply do it.
So then, if I don't learn to love, what do I learn?
I learn loneliness. I have always been a lone individual. I am ... not a "group" person. I was lonely all my life, until I met her. She soothed me, calmed my spirit, and I was, for the first time in my life, not alone. I had a partner and companion who I could share all my life with, even before we started going out. And now, I am alone again. What have I learned, then? I have learned that I am a lone individual. I always have been ... and I always will be. This is, perhaps, partly my own doing. But it is also my fate. I am to be alone ... and I am to come to grips with this fact.
I also learned that humans are not perfect. I've always been a bit of a humanist. Humans can rise above any challenge if they try hard enough. Humans have the potential to be perfect: we were created in God's image, we were of God, and we were perfect. We still keep the potential for that perfection inside us, but we have fallen. We are afraid to reach that perfection, and we never will. What good then is the potential? I'm not sure. We squander our potential for greatness because we're afraid of what it means. Humans are not perfect.
What is my role in life? It's simple if you look at my history. Always, I am alone. But my friends come to me any time they have a problem. "Andrew! Andrew! What should I do? I can't understand how I will ever get out of this!" I look at the problem, study it carefully for a moment, and then give them my advice. They laugh at me, ignore me, tell me that is a silly solution. I tell them what will happen if they ignore my advice, but they refuse to listen. Three months later, my prophecy comes to pass. My friends are confused, silent. They realize that they should have listened to me, but now it is too late. Perhaps they should listen to my advice the next time.
But the world repeats itself. They never learn to listen to me, and I never learn to expect them not to listen to me. Well, I have finally learned this, my third lesson. My advice is almost always correct, but it is also rarely acted upon.
I am alone, I am good at predicting what will come to pass, and I am reminded constantly of the flaws in humanity. Has anyone out there read the play entitled "Oedipus Rex" by Sophocles? A character in that play reminds me of myself ... no, not the title character; that's just disturbing. I am a modern-day Teiresias. He is a blind prophet who is constantly predicting things that have yet to happen. The other characters in the play are constantly degrading him, berating him. They ask him for his visions, and then mock him when he gives them his ominous warnings. He's blind, but all-seeing. He is alone, always alone, self-isolated and publicly-isolated.
I am Teiresias.
That ... is all.
"You're just jealous because I sound like a rock star." - Beast Boy ~ Teen Titans
I feel a little guilty about not updating recently. I haven't had time ... and when I did have time, I just ... didn't feel up to it. I feel tired and ... thoughtful, but not necessarily in a positive way.
I think that I'm supposed to have several major revelations right now in my life. I mean ... shouldn't I learn a lot from what I'm going through?
People keep telling me that I learned how to love, but I didn't. I already knew. It's not complicated, it's not hard, it's not difficult. It comes naturally. Love is natural to the human heart. Acting on love is natural to the human heart. Humans don't need to learn how to love. They simply do it.
So then, if I don't learn to love, what do I learn?
I learn loneliness. I have always been a lone individual. I am ... not a "group" person. I was lonely all my life, until I met her. She soothed me, calmed my spirit, and I was, for the first time in my life, not alone. I had a partner and companion who I could share all my life with, even before we started going out. And now, I am alone again. What have I learned, then? I have learned that I am a lone individual. I always have been ... and I always will be. This is, perhaps, partly my own doing. But it is also my fate. I am to be alone ... and I am to come to grips with this fact.
I also learned that humans are not perfect. I've always been a bit of a humanist. Humans can rise above any challenge if they try hard enough. Humans have the potential to be perfect: we were created in God's image, we were of God, and we were perfect. We still keep the potential for that perfection inside us, but we have fallen. We are afraid to reach that perfection, and we never will. What good then is the potential? I'm not sure. We squander our potential for greatness because we're afraid of what it means. Humans are not perfect.
What is my role in life? It's simple if you look at my history. Always, I am alone. But my friends come to me any time they have a problem. "Andrew! Andrew! What should I do? I can't understand how I will ever get out of this!" I look at the problem, study it carefully for a moment, and then give them my advice. They laugh at me, ignore me, tell me that is a silly solution. I tell them what will happen if they ignore my advice, but they refuse to listen. Three months later, my prophecy comes to pass. My friends are confused, silent. They realize that they should have listened to me, but now it is too late. Perhaps they should listen to my advice the next time.
But the world repeats itself. They never learn to listen to me, and I never learn to expect them not to listen to me. Well, I have finally learned this, my third lesson. My advice is almost always correct, but it is also rarely acted upon.
I am alone, I am good at predicting what will come to pass, and I am reminded constantly of the flaws in humanity. Has anyone out there read the play entitled "Oedipus Rex" by Sophocles? A character in that play reminds me of myself ... no, not the title character; that's just disturbing. I am a modern-day Teiresias. He is a blind prophet who is constantly predicting things that have yet to happen. The other characters in the play are constantly degrading him, berating him. They ask him for his visions, and then mock him when he gives them his ominous warnings. He's blind, but all-seeing. He is alone, always alone, self-isolated and publicly-isolated.
I am Teiresias.
That ... is all.
"You're just jealous because I sound like a rock star." - Beast Boy ~ Teen Titans
Monday, January 17, 2005
Mood: Tired and Hoping for Better
I'm back in College Station. However, nothing has happened to me yet. Oh well. I'll blog more on it later ... but for now, I will post an essay I wrote last year. It pertains well to this time of year, and I am rather proud of it, so here goes nothing.
------- Meaningless Holidays -------
I'm back in College Station. However, nothing has happened to me yet. Oh well. I'll blog more on it later ... but for now, I will post an essay I wrote last year. It pertains well to this time of year, and I am rather proud of it, so here goes nothing.
------- Meaningless Holidays -------
It’s that time of year again. You know what time I’m talking about. The time of fake holidays and seemingly random dates that the postman doesn’t visit your humble abode.
I speak of course of the long-lasting Martin Luther King Day and the ambiguous President’s Day which is thoughtfully squeezed between the birthdays of two highly-acclaimed presidents whose names I seem to have forgotten.
Not that I am claiming that good ole MLK shouldn’t have his own day. I’m just impressed that he got one so quickly. After all, it –has- been less than 50 years since he did his famous campaign for equal rights and desegregation. Even Christopher Columbus, who discovered the free world (or so I am told), had to wait nearly 400 years. It seems that the federal government has used its two hundred years of practice to greatly improve the speed of one thing: giving itself days off.
But at least King’s day is reasonable. President’s Day is rather trivial (read: worthless) for numerous reasons, the primary one being that most Americans either haven’t heard of it or don’t know when it is. To confirm my hypothesis, I conducted a thorough investigation of the American public, by which I mean I asked my friends at lunch. Two of them were reasonably sure they had heard of it, but could not give a general idea as to when it was. When pressed, one responded “It’s meaningless.”
Meaningless? Why, President’s Day was set aside to honor the leader of the Free World. A day of national treasury rolls around ever February … whateverth. Hey, don’t look at me like that. At least I knew what month it was in.
Regardless, I continued my exhausting research by asking Google to give me a little background on President’s Day. Google was nice enough to give me dozens of pages, but none actually held any true information. Most simply said that it fell between Washington’s and Lincoln’s birthdays (so that’s who it was!). One actually told me that it was instituted in 1971 by Ronald Reagan (that would be 106 years after
The website goes on to say that President’s Day was widely accepted as a state holiday before it was federally recognized (sorry Mrs. Presley). Personally, I am now anxiously awaiting Governor’s Day in the hopes that, for at least one more day a year, I won’t get mail delivered to my house. Of course, it has only been 158 years since
And then, I was shocked to find out that President’s Day occurs every third Monday of February, falling this year on the 17th, a mere three days after Valentine’s. There was only one thing which would surprise me more: if Martin Luther King knew when President’s Day was. Unfortunately, MLK isn’t in my lunch.
Through all this research, I have felt myself inspired to create my own holiday. I think it will be called Andrew Barton Day. There won’t be any fireworks or presents (unless you feel like giving some to the person it’s named after), but you do get the bonus of not going to math class. However, it might be a little while before it’s nationally accepted. I’ve only been alive 18 years.
"For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you!" - Stewart Griffin ~ Family GuySaturday, January 15, 2005
Mood: Irate
I am unhappy. I have been made unhappy by a person who was constantly being mean to me, despite my attempts to remain congenial to them. I am surprised by this person, because this person is actually very nice. This person had no reason to be mean to me, as far as I know, but decided to be mean anyway. Why do people do this? I'm not sure.
One thing I hate about girls. They always want to talk about -your- feelings, but never their's. Why is that? Is there something innately wrong with the feelings of men, but the feelings of girls are so far above reproach that their feelings shouldn't even be mentioned? Why is it that their feelings are not allowed to be talked about? If women are equal to men, then that means their virtues are similar to ours ... and their vices are as well. Just because I have some extra testosterone doesn't mean that my feelings are more wrong.
But then, when a man openly explains his feelings, the woman doesn't want to hear it. They only want to talk about -our- feelings when -they- start it. There can be no variation. Never their feelings, and never when we start it. What ever happened to relationships being mutual?
Is it so wrong to inquire about the person your former girlfriend left you for? I have heard very little about him, and I was curious. So naturally, I asked Amber about him. She jumped up and down me, as if I was asking her to murder a person and then eat his entrails. Eventually, like I was pulling teeth, I finally got some information out of her. He's tall, he has blue-green eyes, and she guesses he has brown hair. He's nice, and everyone there likes him. He's good at video games, and lives in a dorm room by himself. She doesn't know much more about him than that.
Great. So she left me for someone she doesn't even know. -Great-.
So I get in trouble for rationalizing things. Rationalizing things! Sometimes, the human body needs to be irrational. Sometimes, humans cannot think before they do things. But sometimes, humans need to think and think and think before they do something. The human existance is about balancing rationalization and irrationalization. Why, then, should I be in trouble for rationalizing? At worst, I should be told that this is not something that can be rationalized. I shouldn't be yelled at, reprimanded, and berated.
She forgets who I am, and who I am to her. She renounces all the times we had together, and she renounces all that we were, are, could be, and will be. She is unnecessarily cruel, unnecessarily mean, and largely irrational. She accuses me of doing something wrong, then does it herself.
But I'm the badguy.
"Robin, you are my best friend. I do not wish to live in a world where we must fight. Do as you must." - Starfire ~ Teen Titans
I am unhappy. I have been made unhappy by a person who was constantly being mean to me, despite my attempts to remain congenial to them. I am surprised by this person, because this person is actually very nice. This person had no reason to be mean to me, as far as I know, but decided to be mean anyway. Why do people do this? I'm not sure.
One thing I hate about girls. They always want to talk about -your- feelings, but never their's. Why is that? Is there something innately wrong with the feelings of men, but the feelings of girls are so far above reproach that their feelings shouldn't even be mentioned? Why is it that their feelings are not allowed to be talked about? If women are equal to men, then that means their virtues are similar to ours ... and their vices are as well. Just because I have some extra testosterone doesn't mean that my feelings are more wrong.
But then, when a man openly explains his feelings, the woman doesn't want to hear it. They only want to talk about -our- feelings when -they- start it. There can be no variation. Never their feelings, and never when we start it. What ever happened to relationships being mutual?
Is it so wrong to inquire about the person your former girlfriend left you for? I have heard very little about him, and I was curious. So naturally, I asked Amber about him. She jumped up and down me, as if I was asking her to murder a person and then eat his entrails. Eventually, like I was pulling teeth, I finally got some information out of her. He's tall, he has blue-green eyes, and she guesses he has brown hair. He's nice, and everyone there likes him. He's good at video games, and lives in a dorm room by himself. She doesn't know much more about him than that.
Great. So she left me for someone she doesn't even know. -Great-.
So I get in trouble for rationalizing things. Rationalizing things! Sometimes, the human body needs to be irrational. Sometimes, humans cannot think before they do things. But sometimes, humans need to think and think and think before they do something. The human existance is about balancing rationalization and irrationalization. Why, then, should I be in trouble for rationalizing? At worst, I should be told that this is not something that can be rationalized. I shouldn't be yelled at, reprimanded, and berated.
She forgets who I am, and who I am to her. She renounces all the times we had together, and she renounces all that we were, are, could be, and will be. She is unnecessarily cruel, unnecessarily mean, and largely irrational. She accuses me of doing something wrong, then does it herself.
But I'm the badguy.
"Robin, you are my best friend. I do not wish to live in a world where we must fight. Do as you must." - Starfire ~ Teen Titans
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Mood: A bit more lighthearted, one should suppose
Well, I think I'm updating this more frequently. Go me!!
So anyway ... I've done a lot of talking recently. A lot. You know, complaining, thinking, and generally getting the opinions of most anyone I can randomly waylay on the street. It's a good thing. No, really, it is. It's helped me get a lot of perspective on things that I was unable to get perspective on all by myself.
Also, a lot of music. Yes, listening to tons of music. Woo yeah! Mu-zac. Mark Twain once said that music can heal the soul ... and I agree with him. Music, with me, has an uncanny ability to connect with me on a deep level, providing insight into my problems and reassuring me that better things will come.
I look forward to going back to school. I'll be leaving for it in only a few days ... thank ye God. Once I get there, my life can move on. I'm being held in stasis now; all I can do to further myself is to think. When I get there, I can be actively progressing rather than passively progressing. I can get my hands dirty, truly working on becoming the better person I know I can be. I know I -will- be.
Until that day comes ... I have retrospection.
"I'm having one of those things! You know, a headache with pictures!" - Fry ~ Futurama
Well, I think I'm updating this more frequently. Go me!!
So anyway ... I've done a lot of talking recently. A lot. You know, complaining, thinking, and generally getting the opinions of most anyone I can randomly waylay on the street. It's a good thing. No, really, it is. It's helped me get a lot of perspective on things that I was unable to get perspective on all by myself.
Also, a lot of music. Yes, listening to tons of music. Woo yeah! Mu-zac. Mark Twain once said that music can heal the soul ... and I agree with him. Music, with me, has an uncanny ability to connect with me on a deep level, providing insight into my problems and reassuring me that better things will come.
I look forward to going back to school. I'll be leaving for it in only a few days ... thank ye God. Once I get there, my life can move on. I'm being held in stasis now; all I can do to further myself is to think. When I get there, I can be actively progressing rather than passively progressing. I can get my hands dirty, truly working on becoming the better person I know I can be. I know I -will- be.
Until that day comes ... I have retrospection.
"I'm having one of those things! You know, a headache with pictures!" - Fry ~ Futurama
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Mood: More than slightly bored
You know, it's funny. I seem to be blogging more when there is NOTHING to say. You'd think I'd blog more when I do have stuff to say.
But that's life. Stupid and inane and crazy and doesn't make sense one bit.
Mostly what I've been doing is sitting around thinking. Still. I think that I came to some excellent conclusions last time I blogged, and it will be helpful for me to remember those for the rest of my life ... whatever that may be.
A couple of my friends are quite mad at me for saying that I will be alone all my life. Well, I don't mean all. I just don't think I will be dating much at all in my lifetime, and I definitely won't get married. But really, that's just how I've really felt all my life. I'm no good around girls when it comes to that sense, and I know that I'm not what girls really look for. It's something I came to grips with long ago.
But I have been given a lot of time to be retrospective on what has happened to me in the past month and the past fifteen months. For that, I am thankful. I've learned my lesson about life and about love. I thank Amber for that, and I thank God for that.
I am also thankful that my good friend Allison has recently had a lot of stress relieved from her. She had boyfriend problems (as does my friend Olga, actually ... what a strange coincidence!), but recently her boyfriend apologized for causing poor Allison all her problems. He didn't realize what he was doing, evidently. So now they've all made up and everything is okay. Yay!
As for Olga's problems ... that's slightly different. She can't choose which boy she wants! Aah, I wish I had several hot people clamoring for my sexy bod. Of course, everyone wants that, right? Right. But, naturally, no one can help her decide who to take, really. I know I can't, since she hasn't said anything bad about either one of them, and I haven't met them to get a personal evaluation of them.
I found out I have a C average in college. God, what a loser I am. I really need to do better this next semester. But, of course, I have Chemistry. I'm 99% sure I'm going to fail out of that class, which means I really need to do well in ALL my other classes to even have a chance. Regardless, things are looking very bad for me.
Which is why it would do me good to transfer to a different school in the fall. I'm looking at various schools around the country. Not sure if I've said that here or not. I really need to research them so that I know an excellent place to go where I will really enjoy my life and I can do the best I can do and be all that I can be. If anyone has any suggestions, I would gladly take them.
NOTE: I don't actually expect anyone to send anything to me. =p So if you do, I would be highly amused and tickled.
Life, then, is a strange thing. Love and hate, care and careless, happiness and pain. How can we expect to balance all this? How can we make things better in life? How can we do what we must do or what we must not do? There are no answers for these questions. We can never understand why the world works the way it does. But hopefully, like "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" says, we will understand once we are dead. After we no longer have this life, we can understand how our life looks, in all it's strange intricacies.
In the end, I hope we can understand.
"Robin, who is this girl and why does she call you 'poo'? - Starfire ~ Teen Titans
You know, it's funny. I seem to be blogging more when there is NOTHING to say. You'd think I'd blog more when I do have stuff to say.
But that's life. Stupid and inane and crazy and doesn't make sense one bit.
Mostly what I've been doing is sitting around thinking. Still. I think that I came to some excellent conclusions last time I blogged, and it will be helpful for me to remember those for the rest of my life ... whatever that may be.
A couple of my friends are quite mad at me for saying that I will be alone all my life. Well, I don't mean all. I just don't think I will be dating much at all in my lifetime, and I definitely won't get married. But really, that's just how I've really felt all my life. I'm no good around girls when it comes to that sense, and I know that I'm not what girls really look for. It's something I came to grips with long ago.
But I have been given a lot of time to be retrospective on what has happened to me in the past month and the past fifteen months. For that, I am thankful. I've learned my lesson about life and about love. I thank Amber for that, and I thank God for that.
I am also thankful that my good friend Allison has recently had a lot of stress relieved from her. She had boyfriend problems (as does my friend Olga, actually ... what a strange coincidence!), but recently her boyfriend apologized for causing poor Allison all her problems. He didn't realize what he was doing, evidently. So now they've all made up and everything is okay. Yay!
As for Olga's problems ... that's slightly different. She can't choose which boy she wants! Aah, I wish I had several hot people clamoring for my sexy bod. Of course, everyone wants that, right? Right. But, naturally, no one can help her decide who to take, really. I know I can't, since she hasn't said anything bad about either one of them, and I haven't met them to get a personal evaluation of them.
I found out I have a C average in college. God, what a loser I am. I really need to do better this next semester. But, of course, I have Chemistry. I'm 99% sure I'm going to fail out of that class, which means I really need to do well in ALL my other classes to even have a chance. Regardless, things are looking very bad for me.
Which is why it would do me good to transfer to a different school in the fall. I'm looking at various schools around the country. Not sure if I've said that here or not. I really need to research them so that I know an excellent place to go where I will really enjoy my life and I can do the best I can do and be all that I can be. If anyone has any suggestions, I would gladly take them.
NOTE: I don't actually expect anyone to send anything to me. =p So if you do, I would be highly amused and tickled.
Life, then, is a strange thing. Love and hate, care and careless, happiness and pain. How can we expect to balance all this? How can we make things better in life? How can we do what we must do or what we must not do? There are no answers for these questions. We can never understand why the world works the way it does. But hopefully, like "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" says, we will understand once we are dead. After we no longer have this life, we can understand how our life looks, in all it's strange intricacies.
In the end, I hope we can understand.
"Robin, who is this girl and why does she call you 'poo'? - Starfire ~ Teen Titans
Monday, January 10, 2005
Mood: Resigned and alone
For the past couple of days, I've had nothing to do but think. Think and read. All my friends have departed for the schools, busily resuming their happy lives among the flowers. I, however, am not able to. I am stuck in McKinney for a week still; alone with myself and my thoughts.
In turn, I buried myself in books. I read "Twelve Ordinary Men" by John MacArthur. It details the lives and personalities of the original twelve apostles. The twelve who worked alongside Jesus. Normal, everyday men from normal, everyday lives. They were us, and are us. These twelve exemplify the human spirit.
Afterwards, I turned to a book entitled "The Five People You Meet in Heaven," which was written by Mitch Albom. Mr. Albom described the experience of an elderly man after he reached Heaven. His life was explained to him by five people, making all the little pieces and intricacies of his life fit into place, like a complex jigsaw puzzle of fate.
A few days ago, I realized that there was a lesson that was in my life. A lesson in the recent termination of my relationship with Amber. I knew that there was something I was supposed to learn. Something that would change my life forever. But I couldn't put my finger on it. The closest I could come up with was "Girls suck." For some reason, I don't think God was trying to tell me that girls suck.
"The Five People You Meet in Heaven" reaffirmed this idea to me. It told me again that I am supposed to learn something from this ... situation. It told me again that I needed to open my eyes and look at the bigger picture of my life. I am convinced that, if Mr. Albom is right and we do meet five people who explain our lives to us, then Amber would be one of my people, explaining this point in my life.
But then, suddenly, it hit me. I remembered telling people that I was always fairly convinced I would be alone for all my life. But I want to be a psychologist. How can a psychologist, who has never felt love, who has never had a horrible ... break-up ... who has never loved and lost ... how can a psychologist help people who have those problems?
The answer is simple: he can't.
God has shown me what it's like. God has shown me what others go through so very often. I am to remain alone, but without the experience of others, I would be horrible at my chosen profession. God is attempting to help me by showing these emotions to me. I had never realized just how badly it hurts. I will never be so careless again as to give advice over things that I don't properly comprehend.
Please, God ... my lesson is learned. Now make the pain stop ...
"Someone's claws are on my grebnacks." - Starfire ~ Teen Titans
For the past couple of days, I've had nothing to do but think. Think and read. All my friends have departed for the schools, busily resuming their happy lives among the flowers. I, however, am not able to. I am stuck in McKinney for a week still; alone with myself and my thoughts.
In turn, I buried myself in books. I read "Twelve Ordinary Men" by John MacArthur. It details the lives and personalities of the original twelve apostles. The twelve who worked alongside Jesus. Normal, everyday men from normal, everyday lives. They were us, and are us. These twelve exemplify the human spirit.
Afterwards, I turned to a book entitled "The Five People You Meet in Heaven," which was written by Mitch Albom. Mr. Albom described the experience of an elderly man after he reached Heaven. His life was explained to him by five people, making all the little pieces and intricacies of his life fit into place, like a complex jigsaw puzzle of fate.
A few days ago, I realized that there was a lesson that was in my life. A lesson in the recent termination of my relationship with Amber. I knew that there was something I was supposed to learn. Something that would change my life forever. But I couldn't put my finger on it. The closest I could come up with was "Girls suck." For some reason, I don't think God was trying to tell me that girls suck.
"The Five People You Meet in Heaven" reaffirmed this idea to me. It told me again that I am supposed to learn something from this ... situation. It told me again that I needed to open my eyes and look at the bigger picture of my life. I am convinced that, if Mr. Albom is right and we do meet five people who explain our lives to us, then Amber would be one of my people, explaining this point in my life.
But then, suddenly, it hit me. I remembered telling people that I was always fairly convinced I would be alone for all my life. But I want to be a psychologist. How can a psychologist, who has never felt love, who has never had a horrible ... break-up ... who has never loved and lost ... how can a psychologist help people who have those problems?
The answer is simple: he can't.
God has shown me what it's like. God has shown me what others go through so very often. I am to remain alone, but without the experience of others, I would be horrible at my chosen profession. God is attempting to help me by showing these emotions to me. I had never realized just how badly it hurts. I will never be so careless again as to give advice over things that I don't properly comprehend.
Please, God ... my lesson is learned. Now make the pain stop ...
"Someone's claws are on my grebnacks." - Starfire ~ Teen Titans
Saturday, January 08, 2005
Mood: Like a sinking ship
I have come to realize something recently. Life is indeed ruled by a force of absolute balance: a ying yang. An alchemy. Everything has an equal and opposite price. Like Chemistry, all actions have an equal and opposite reaction.
In short, all that is good has an equal amount of bad in payment. And all bad has an equal amount of good to relieve it. In the fifteen months, I have had the most intense fun in my life. I enjoyed it immensely.
Actually, I enjoyed it too much. I thought that the previous 18 years were the bad part, the black half of the ying yang. But I crammed too much fun and enjoyment in those fifteen months, and now I find that I did not pay my debt in advance. Once again, I must go through the pain, the dark, the shadowy parts of life.
In the end, all things balance out. I surpassed my balance of life, and I find that, once again, I need to suffer to achieve equilibrium.
"People cannot gain anything without sacrificing something." - Alphonse Elric ~ Full Metal Alchemist
I have come to realize something recently. Life is indeed ruled by a force of absolute balance: a ying yang. An alchemy. Everything has an equal and opposite price. Like Chemistry, all actions have an equal and opposite reaction.
In short, all that is good has an equal amount of bad in payment. And all bad has an equal amount of good to relieve it. In the fifteen months, I have had the most intense fun in my life. I enjoyed it immensely.
Actually, I enjoyed it too much. I thought that the previous 18 years were the bad part, the black half of the ying yang. But I crammed too much fun and enjoyment in those fifteen months, and now I find that I did not pay my debt in advance. Once again, I must go through the pain, the dark, the shadowy parts of life.
In the end, all things balance out. I surpassed my balance of life, and I find that, once again, I need to suffer to achieve equilibrium.
"People cannot gain anything without sacrificing something." - Alphonse Elric ~ Full Metal Alchemist
Thursday, January 06, 2005
Mood: Slightly more relaxed
Well, it's been a while. I'm still sort of ... in chaos. But I have a better grip on things now. I think.
Anyway, I am lonely. Of course, Amber isn't talking to me near as much as she used to. But that's to be expected. Also, all of my friends are gone. Off to college again! While I sit around the house reading books and wondering what I'm going to do about my Chemistry class. Really, all that I can do is sit and think. No interaction with other souls at all.
Of course, one thing that I really think would help me out would be a counting of the blessings I do have. Thus, I am counting.
1.) My health
2.) Friends who help me despite being 1000 miles away
3.) Family who gives me support
4.) A room I can call my own
5.) My mind (it's a terrible thing to waste)
6.) Appreciation for a good joke
7.) Enough monetary support to get through school
8.) A church I am welcomed at
9.) Time to think back
10.) Courage to move onwards
I think 10 is enough, don't you? Either way, that's all I'm doing. I might write down more later, if I find it is necessary.
"Spare me your space-age techno-babble, Attila the Hun." - Zap Brannigan ~ Futurama
Well, it's been a while. I'm still sort of ... in chaos. But I have a better grip on things now. I think.
Anyway, I am lonely. Of course, Amber isn't talking to me near as much as she used to. But that's to be expected. Also, all of my friends are gone. Off to college again! While I sit around the house reading books and wondering what I'm going to do about my Chemistry class. Really, all that I can do is sit and think. No interaction with other souls at all.
Of course, one thing that I really think would help me out would be a counting of the blessings I do have. Thus, I am counting.
1.) My health
2.) Friends who help me despite being 1000 miles away
3.) Family who gives me support
4.) A room I can call my own
5.) My mind (it's a terrible thing to waste)
6.) Appreciation for a good joke
7.) Enough monetary support to get through school
8.) A church I am welcomed at
9.) Time to think back
10.) Courage to move onwards
I think 10 is enough, don't you? Either way, that's all I'm doing. I might write down more later, if I find it is necessary.
"Spare me your space-age techno-babble, Attila the Hun." - Zap Brannigan ~ Futurama
Monday, January 03, 2005
Mood: Tired of life
It's been a really really stressful December for me. I'm glad I have it behind me. Hopefully my life will fall back together. I just need some help in a few key places. But, alas, I'll probably have to help myself.
God helps those who help themselves. God, help me, as I am trying my hardest to help myself.
It's New Years. You know what that means! More meaningless, pointless resolutions that we attempt to hold all year long despite the fact that we're bound to forget them by the first of February, if not MLK Day.
And so I shall put forth my list:
1.) Do my best on all I do
2.) Do work assigned to me, without forgetting any
3.) Do not give up on Chemistry, even if it feels hopeless
4.) Decide once and for all whether or not A&M is the school for me
5.) Make friends at A&M
6.) Move on
7.) Meet some long-term goals about my education
8.) Learn to soldier on
I realize that most of these involve school. Of course, that's not all that's really happening to me at the moment, and not all that I can improve about myself. But it is really important for me to get my studies under my belt. When I was on the plane, coming back from Connecticut (I went there for Christmas), the person next to me told me that the most important thing in a college student's life, especially an underclassman's life, was to "get all your ducks in a row." He repeated that phrase several times. Only once I have the basics complete, the foundation finished, can the structure of my life truly rise.
Wish me luck. It will be a long and lonely journey.
"Everyone loves a good game of stankball." - Cyborn ~ Teen Titans
It's been a really really stressful December for me. I'm glad I have it behind me. Hopefully my life will fall back together. I just need some help in a few key places. But, alas, I'll probably have to help myself.
God helps those who help themselves. God, help me, as I am trying my hardest to help myself.
It's New Years. You know what that means! More meaningless, pointless resolutions that we attempt to hold all year long despite the fact that we're bound to forget them by the first of February, if not MLK Day.
And so I shall put forth my list:
1.) Do my best on all I do
2.) Do work assigned to me, without forgetting any
3.) Do not give up on Chemistry, even if it feels hopeless
4.) Decide once and for all whether or not A&M is the school for me
5.) Make friends at A&M
6.) Move on
7.) Meet some long-term goals about my education
8.) Learn to soldier on
I realize that most of these involve school. Of course, that's not all that's really happening to me at the moment, and not all that I can improve about myself. But it is really important for me to get my studies under my belt. When I was on the plane, coming back from Connecticut (I went there for Christmas), the person next to me told me that the most important thing in a college student's life, especially an underclassman's life, was to "get all your ducks in a row." He repeated that phrase several times. Only once I have the basics complete, the foundation finished, can the structure of my life truly rise.
Wish me luck. It will be a long and lonely journey.
"Everyone loves a good game of stankball." - Cyborn ~ Teen Titans
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