Mood: Tired

I'm tired of lots of things. Tired of school, tired of exams, tired of being tired ... but mostly I'm tired of friends who suck. I've learned a lot these past couple of months, and mostly what I've learned is that friends who suck are no good to be my friend. I am a good person, and I don't want to associate with people who are not good people.

It sullies my good name.

I've learned that females are utterly retarded when it comes to anything involved feelings and men. And it's all females, not just one in particular.

I've learned to cut strings when they drag me down. I've been forced to cut some of them. It hurts to do it, but you can't let them take you down with them.

I've learned that humans have a lot of potential. God created us in his image; we are his finest creations. We have so much more potential then we could ever begin to comprehend.

I've learned that humans will never reach a fraction of their potential. Humans are afraid of what it means to be good. Humanity as a whole will never reach their peak. Humans are afraid of their own potential.

I've learned that some individuals will reach their peak; their pinnacle of self. These people are few and far between.

I've learned that, to reach this peak, you need to know yourself.

I've learned that most people think they do know themselves, but they actually do not.

I've learned that people can be hateful and horrible, and have no idea they are doing it. And when it's pointed out to them, it makes it worse.

I've learned that people don't like to be wrong, even when it is clear they are. They hide their wrongs, burying them, hiding them from sight so no one will ever see them. And when they are spotted, they deny it.

I've learned that when people screw with your collegiate career for no good reason, it's time to let them go.

I've learned that I am much stronger than I ever thought possible. That makes me afraid, because I fear being too strong ... and being alone.

I've learned that I am alone, and that I am supposed to be alone. I always have been alone, I am currently alone, and I always will be alone. That makes me sad, but it is better to know the truth than to live in ignorance.

I just wanted to update because ... by golly, it's been a while since I've updated. There ya go. I'm so cool. Alone, but cool. And learning a lot.

Goodbye to you, my sole reader. I'll miss you, but there are many reasons why I must cut you loose.

"Swing and a miss." - Brian ~ Family Guy

Mood: Morose

I'm tired.

I have insomnia now. I can never sleep. I have an eating disorder. The second food touches my tongue, I have a gag reflex; I want to throw up. My body aches in so much pain; from malnutrition and lack of sleep.

I'm at 105 lbs. now. Yes, losing even more weight. Good news, good news. I calculated my body fat percentage. I'm at 4.22% body fat, and you require 4% body fat to live. Good thing I have extra, huh? I'm actually thinking I can push it down below 100 lbs. I'm kind of tempted to do it just to say I did. Of course, that would put me over forty pounds underneath the recommended healthy body weight for someone of my size. Look at the skinny freak! You can see his bones! He's like a freaking skeleton!!

Cool, huh?

I'm kind of interested in seeing how well my blood clots. That sounds morbid, huh? Not meaning to be, though. It's just last semester I was eating real bad and when I got a paper cut, I didn't stop bleeding for a couple hours. I wonder if I'm doing any better so far this semester. I hope so. But I doubt it.

Just so everyone out there who reads this (which is no one-- my only reader left me), I'm going to try to -not- mention her anymore. I'm trying really hard to force her out of my thoughts. It's not working so well, but I'm trying. I don't ever want to think of her again. Each time I do, I get so angry. I was falsely accused of many crimes that I never committed. And my accuser? A betraying lying person who is picking fights and hiding things from me. Oh yes ... gotta love that. Then she sics her boyfriend on me because I was worried about her. I'm not allowed to speak to our mutual friends anymore. I'm not allowed to -breathe- anymore. If I do anything, I get flooded with messages saying "your a jerk a huge jerk" ... really mature for a noble Christian boy, hm? Especially since I was the polite one who never did any name calling or lied ot anyone.

Yes, I obviously am a jerk.

I'm applying to colleges to transfer ... three different colleges, yay. I should be able to get into them. I just need to find out when applications are do, and then submit. They don't require -too- high of a GPA, so I should be able to pull through with a bit of work.

Of course, the two Ds I got last semester won't transfer. But on the bright side, if they don't transfer, they don't affect my GPA. Which is great! Because then I don't have any freshman screw-up grades that keep me down. So I guess there's good and bad. Yes, I would have to take another science and another math course. But hoepfully I have learned my lesson and would be better at them the second time around.

On the other hand, if I get into all three schools, I'll have to figure out which one I want to go to. They all seem pretty good. So then, which should I choose? It's all very muddy. I'll do more research after I submit my applications. Yay yay.

"I do not like being a cat in this hat!" - Starfire ~ Teen Titans

Mood: Life is Worthless

I think the mood sums it up best. I am so tired of being alive. I wish I could hurry up and die. I've been waiting for it for a while now. It's about time it comes around. I welcome it with open arms.

Evidently, I am all things evil. At least, that's what the love of my life says.

It sucks to be in love with someone who hates you.

I went to Silver Taps tonight. It's like a funeral service that pays homage to all the students who have died in the past month. One of them was a girl ... a freshman psychology major. She was so much like me; same age, same interests, same goals. Why did she have to die? She had hopes and dreams, the love and care of others, she had family and friends, desires and potential.

I keep thinking to myself "God, why did she have to die? If you asked me, I would have been happy to take her place. I would have willingly died in her place, letting her live her life, love her life. I am not needed her anymore ... I am already dead; my body is just lagging behind. She had everything to lose and didn't deserve to lose it. I have nothing to lose and every reason to lose it. God, why wouldn't you take me instead of her?"

What -is- the reason, God? Why would you punish her when I deserve the punishment so much more? Why did you take the person who had every reason to be happy, when there is a perfectly miserable person who could have taken her place?

I don't understand. I'll never understand.

I wish I wasn't weak. I wish I had the strength necessary to do what I want to do. I wish I had the courage to end it ... and end it myself. I wish I had the courage to end my life. But I'm afraid of the pain. So very afraid of the pain ... ... I crave the relief, but cower from the pain.

I hate being weak.

"Swing and a miss!" - Brian ~ Family Guy